Lately, I’ve been whining.
A lot.
The non-profit I founded is no longer funded. In fact, I returned two grants because they did not offer any administrative fees, and it is tantamount to making bricks with no straw – so I politely declined. A major grant ($20M) – a grant that would impact our community for generations – required us to have a partnership with a “Lead Applicant”. We worked with one for months only to have them withdraw at the last possible minute. All this at the tail end of five years of work to build this organization – five years during which there had been other disappointments – state appropriation grants denied, a failed National Science Foundation grant, and even personally, a run for city council that I suspended after realizing that I was already treading water and I just didn’t have the internal bandwidth to support one more thing.
Right after the disappointment with the potentially community-changing grant, I was contracted to do some consulting work with a local housing agency. They were so pleased with the work that I was offered the COO role directly following my contract. So there – I thought – I’m vindicated! God has rewarded me with a six-figure salary after five long years of an excruciating faith walk. I exhaled and praised God for the breakthrough.
Three months later, I was suddenly, abruptly terminated.
So, as I said, I’ve been whining. But let’s be clear – it’s not as though I didn’t have anything to whine about. I left my job as a Communications and Strategy Analyst at Kennedy Space Center in 2020 to establish this non-profit. It was five years of walking on water – being suspended in mid-air – prophesying over dry bones. Radical, crazy faith.
He proved faithful over and over and over again. At one point, I had a staff of five, a thriving STEM academy, homelessness services, and funding to help families in need. I saw God do more than I could have imagined. During that time, though things were often tight, I never missed a mortgage payment or a meal. It was the experience of being kept by God. The plan that was in my heart unfolded right in front of me, it sustained me, and it was mind-blowing.
But all of that is gone now, and I’m standing in this present stillness – this debilitating quietness, and I don’t understand. Through every one of those five years, I prayed, I fasted, I consecrated, I walked as closely and as purely with God as I knew how. I gave my whole self to Him and to the calling as I understood it. I pressed in with all my strength, and when I didn’t have strength – I pressed anyway.
And now it feels like everything, all of it, just slipped through my fingers. It all came crashing down. Did I miss it? Did I get off track somewhere? Did I stop listening? What happened?
What’s worse is the shame. This didn’t happen in a corner; everything I did was public. There were newspaper articles, TV, Woman’s World, Yahoo News, USA Today. So now, how do I explain any of it? How do I talk about this when I don’t have answers? And the scripture that keeps rising in my heart is – “….despising the shame.” Jesus literally despised the shame that came with total obedience to His call. If He had to bear it – if He carried it – why shouldn’t I?
But that didn’t stop the whining.
Last night, I was sitting up late praying – don’t be impressed by that, I was half-heartedly having a pity party style discussion in my heart with the Holy Spirit while playing games on my phone – I heard the words “sweet honey in the rock”. So I immediately put the phone down and tuned in.
Most of my concerns during this quiet, still period have been about finances. The six-figure salary is gone, even the much smaller and inconsistent salary that I could sometimes draw from the non-profit is gone, I’m not doing any consulting at the moment, and the job market is flooded with folks having been dismissed from federal jobs. So, a lot of my whining and worrying has been about what’s next and how to sustain myself.
When I tuned in, I learned that Sweet Honey in the Rock is a Grammy-nominated Black female a cappella group. It’s a group of women who have used their voices, their talent, their creativity, and their history to establish a career – to impact the nation for decades since 1973.
I wasn’t sure if that phrase was a scripture reference. It is. And here is the revelation – the prophetic word for right now. Sweet honey from the rock is drawn from Psalm 81.
Verses 1-5 tell us to give praise to God. Yes, as opposed to whining. Heard that. That’s fair.
Verse 6 shifts a bit. It talks about having burdens removed from Israel’s shoulders. It says, “I removed his shoulder from the burden…”
Likewise, verse 10 also talks about being delivered from Egypt. In scripture, Egypt is a symbol of the world system. It is the opposite of God’s Kingdom. Verse 10 goes on to say “Open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.”
So, basically, He’s saying, I’ve brought you out of Egypt (the world system), now open your mouth wide and I will fill it. Stop worrying about how you’re going to sustain yourself. I am going to do that. And I see two ways to see that for me/us right now (1) I will sustain you, feed you naturally, and (2) I will put the words, creativity, songs in your mouth so that you can sustain yourself – i.e. Grammy-nominated a capella singing group around for 50 years.
Lets talk about verse 7 before we move on. It mentions the waters of Meribah. If you are not familiar with what happened at Meribah, the Children of Israel were thirsty and instead of trusting God, they “strove with God” and “chided” Moses. Ultimately, God told Moses to strike the rock with his rod and water flowed from it. But at Meribah it is said several times in scripture that they “tempted” God by – wait for it – whining and complaining. It was a time of failure and faithlessness that had at its root unbelief.
So verse 7 along with verses 11 through 15 talk about the children of Israel being unfaithful. Thank God for grace. But for the grace afforded through Jesus, I would be in that number right now. And look what I would have forfeited.
Verses 13-15 talk about the benefits He would have provided for them had they not been unfaithful. (1) He would have subdued their enemies and turned His hand against their adversaries (2) the “haters” (and yes, KJV does use that word) would have submitted themselves to them and (3) their time should have endured forever. If they would have just trusted and allowed Him to be their God.
Selah. (Yes, I have repented.)
But here is the word He said to me last night – verse 16 “He should have fed them also with the finest of the wheat: and with honey out of the rock should I have satisfied thee.”
There I sat whining and complaining like the Children of Israel at the waters of Meribah and He sweetly shows me (first that I’m getting on His nerves) and secondly what I’m missing out on by my self-pity. Oh! Thank God for grace.
He will sustain me. He will feed me with the finest of wheat and with honey out of the (R)ock. The sweetness of fellowship and communion with Him. O taste and see…
Beloved, this is not just for me. You see, I’ve learned that just like Paul was an Apostle for the Gentiles (Romans 11:13, Galatians 2:7), and Peter was an Apostle for the Jews (Galatians 2:8), I am an Apostle for Black America – the diaspora – the descendants of enslaved Africans.
Yes, this present season is a season of trouble. Egypt is trembling and it is just the beginning of her sorrows. But He has already promised to deliver us from Egypt – if we will let Him. Friends, we need to do as the women of Sweet Honey in the Rock have done. We need to use this time to find our voices, find the talents with which we can sustain ourselves, find our songs. Egypt cannot be your rock in this moment. In this moment relying on Egypt will be leaning on a staff of reed (Eze 29:6, 2Ki 18:21, Isa 36:6). Put your trust in God in this moment. Only lean on God.
So I’ve learned that many of the $20M grants that were awarded were rescinded. So small non-profits that were told that they had the funding probably went forward with hiring, purchasing, and contracting, and now they are being told the money isn’t forthcoming. Non-profits that rely on charitable donations are struggling as economic woes halt private funding and government funding is ceased. Even the organization from which I was terminated is facing the possibility of government funding changes that could render it financially unstable.
In the midst of all of this, civil rights protections are being rolled back. Our history is being erased, and our contributions to the workplace are being labeled “DEI” and thus inherently inferior. Yes, this is a difficult time for us. But please, whatever we do, let us not repeat Meribah. Let us remain faithful because when we do He promises that:
- (1) He will deliver us from Egypt (again)
- (2) He will subdue our enemies and turn His hand against our adversaries
- (3) He will cause “haters” to submit
- (4) He will establish us forever and
- (4) When we open our mouths, He will fill them with sustenance both spiritual and natural.
Open your mouth, Beloved Israel. He has not forgotten us. Allow Him to fill you with sweet honey from the (R)ock.
