Transformation

It’s easy to say we’re going to be the Women of our Dreams, isn’t it? It sounds good. It’s a nice goal for the new year.

But what does it mean? What does it require? How do you actually change?

Here’s the thing about transformation – true transformation. It’s quiet. It’s incremental. It’s consistent. It happens when no one is looking. It usually looks like nothing is happening.  It starts from the inside. A good analogy is like a caterpillar wrapped in a chrysalis.

It happens in isolation. It means the place you are no longer fits the person you’re destined to be. It requires a focused, intentional struggle; you have to want it. If you persevere, you emerge with bright, beautiful wings.

I must admit that these past few weeks, in the privacy of my own heart, the words Woman of my Dreams have haunted me. It hasn’t been loud and disruptive. It’s a quiet conviction – tugging at my heartstrings when I’ve said something unkind or when my actions have been proud or dismissive. It’s so quiet and gentle that I can very easily ignore it and go about my day.

But doing so might cost me my wings.

So, intentionally, deliberately I’ve endeavored to change from the inside out. Understand that it’s not the words or the actions that concern me. Those are children. I’m doing battle with the heart that births them. An old proverb admonishes us to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. It gives birth to your thoughts, which you express in your words, and your words create your reality.

So, to become that woman I admire, I must, above all things, deal with my heart. You know how the doctor checks your pulse rate and blood pressure at every visit? He’s checking your vitals in order to get a read on your heart. Even physically, the issue of our life, our blood, flows from it.  In the same way, we have to regularly take our own vitals – assess the condition of our heart. Especially if something doesn’t feel right emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, and we need to find the source. Most importantly, we have to be truthful about what we find and take responsibility to accept and correct what we find – no matter how painful.  

Let me give you an example. For the past few weeks, I’ve been musing in my heart that some things that I desired in my life haven’t materialized. While I could see things happening for others around me it seemed they were not happening for me. I became discouraged– which to some degree is natural. But instead of “changing the channel” in my thinking, I dwelt on it and allowed discouragement to become disillusionment. What happens from there? You fixate on what you don’t have. You’re no longer content as you are unwisely comparing your situation to others’. This can easily lead to feelings of defeat, unworthiness, low self-esteem and ultimately depression.

The Woman of My Dreams does not think this way. Something was not right. It was time to take my vitals.

In a time of private meditation, I felt led to make a list of the things I felt were missing from my life. Companionship topped the list. Then I remembered, I have an amazing sister who is closer to me than any “bestie”. In other words, I already have it. Next was physical health. But, I had to admit, I’m in control of that. I have already begun to take the steps to get where I want to be and I’m seeing results. My body is not in perfect order but my health is relatively good. Next on the list was financial stability.

I had a sudden job loss in 2011. I lost my home, my car, and all savings forcing me to start over again from nothing. Just six short years ago, I was in distress – with no idea how I would find another job. As I wrote, I realized – I have a good job, I own a home, I have another (better) car, and my credit is better than it has been in years. I am financially stable. Most importantly, I have beautiful peace – no more distress.

Once I saw it objectively, I had to be brutally honest with myself and accept that I was being immature, ungrateful and envious. (Ouch!) I’d allowed myself to be convinced for weeks that somehow, God had forgotten me when the truth is that it’s only by His grace and love that I’ve rebounded. I remember times over the past few years constantly cringing waiting for it all to fall apart again and it never has. He’s kept me afloat. How could I so easily forget His goodness?

I know that Hollywood constantly tells us “trust your heart!”  Don’t you believe it! Scripture tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” It took me a while to see that my own heart was deceiving me; that the pain that I was feeling was not only imaginary, but it was also self-inflicted. If not for taking my vitals I could have allowed the deception to become months of depression. Again, only by the grace of God, it was not so.

I’ve accepted the responsibility to change my thinking. I am determined to be grateful; to recognize and acknowledge all that I have been blessed with daily and celebrate the blessings of others. I’m determined that this time of quiet introspection, of painstaking transformation will yield beautiful, colorful wings.

That I will emerge the Woman of my Dreams.

How about you? When was the last time you checked your vitals?